• varsha alimchandani

This life feels so small to get enough. In five minutes, you can walk by a place or just see it from outside, where you would have spent hours, days, or even months.

In order to move to the next place, you postpone the extended period of time. And you just keep moving, through places, through days, through people.

You never go to the depth of your under sensed longings, and despite you visiting so many places and you meeting so many people, you still feel missed out.

You feel time is going to pass by and you will die dissatisfied, like you are right now, so you elope to add more and more numbers rather than the value.

It pulls you; the place, the person, the book, the music calls you, but you don't give yourself enough to become part of one another, you never finish it off, you never feel every note of it to your innermost being, leaving sugar at the bottom of the cup.

Life comes with an instant fast-tracked checklist to get dopamine and to “achieve”.

As ironic as it sounds, it never fulfills anything, it keeps you feeling that you didn't contribute enough to life and you cannot exactly comprehend why.

When you try to list it all down, you can write 100 norms you accomplished or 100 dishes you tasted or 100 places you travelled to, yet here you are, unsatisfied and empty.

Some with more than enough money, things, or people can never have enough!

They keep moving on to better stuff, yet left with nothing, because they cannot love something or someone they already have, they don’t connect with it at all.

Whether you have a thing, or a person, or things of the world, or million people in your life, all is meaningless without a connection.

In the eyes of the blind, possession is nothing more than a way to see the world.

A five-course meal at an expensive restaurant feels tasteless compared to that one favorite dessert enjoyed slowly by the corner making a great day. Colorful flowers and grand bouquets have a lot of passing beauty, but the deep breath inhaling the intoxicating scent of one flower slows down time, brings you back to live in the present moment, calms the mind, and reassures.

We all know attachment costs, because attachment comes from need.

When we keep adding objects, we are acting out of need, need to look rich, or to look lovable, to kill time, to distract from loneliness, need to act out of fear of abandonment, unresolved childhood trauma response etc.

This attachment of need cannot be filled until you choose to convert it into love, until you selflessly love the people you resonate with, speak your heart to them, share with them, unconditionally love and accept yourself enough to uncover your self-deceptions, feel the music, live in the book, truly connect with the the art, the place and the nature, let yourself be free of judgements, savor every meal, appreciate and enjoy that comes your way.

Giving of yourself fills.

Not out of any need for them to fulfill you, but rather because you can hold a satisfied part of yourself in them, things and people fill you.

Opposite to that, when you leave something or someone midway in search of stability through another thing, and so on, you somehow make this disoriented list in your mind in which things or people don't receive closure, the time, or the emotion that you ought to invest in them, leaving you with a void that these objects created in you while they took up space in your mind.

Imagine the feeling of not exhaling after inhale, or stuck food inside stomach for years, or a machine that never got turned off.

These endless processes in your lifetime that are undissolved keep running in the background, keep on adding more and more noise.

In the search for fulfillment, you shrink a part of yourself in order to accommodate more and more new objects, in the hope that these will somehow fill your space, calm the noises down, bring peace, and bring satisfaction.

But accumulation of these objects keep widening inside you, resulting in you getting farther and emptier of yourself.

You add these objects made up of people, things or actions that you never make your own; you are just existing until one day you find a perfect world where you can do things you love, which are in tune with who you are.

Unfortunately, this perfect world and time do not exist because no one else is capable of creating and maintaining them for your arrival.

You list down things to do, and there is a sense of peace because now you know what you need to get done, but you don’t actually finish them off, the list keeps adding, and somehow it keeps lingering in your mind all the time.

You feel exhausted with these thoughts and this list, and you try to flee from them.

Making the list produced a burden on your mind which won’t go away until you finish off each task satisfactorily.

The more people and things you add to your life, the more this list is created unconsciously, and the more anxious and empty you feel.

In the midst of so much, there isn't room for depth to thrive for what really matters or makes you truly smile.

Life passes by looking at time, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

Why the best is always yet to come?

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  • varsha alimchandani

The more life gets old, everything goes like breath in and breath out, the binarity. Rich or poor, famous or ordinary, male or female, love or hate, free or trapped, dark or fair, selfish or kind, loyal or cheater, day or night, cold or hot, dry or moist, long or short, fat or thin, fresh or stale, natural and unnatural, brave or coward, healthy or weak, intelligent or dumb, beautiful or ugly, high or low, spicy or bland, soft or hard, delicious or inedible, celebrity or failure, young or old, good or bad, organized or clumsy, con or gullible, brand new or worn out, genuine or fraud. Every moment, these tags and opinions are being implanted into human herds, like products in factory being packaged and named.

But what about the period between breath in and breath out? The holding and the directing to endless possible ways? The moving or uncontained thoughts? The period of becoming or not becoming anything?

There is a battle and a desire to overthrow everything that affects our choices and perspectives. And after a few months, we learn to steal moments of freedom from our own lives by altering their viewpoints. Definable, they aren’t polar opposites like binary, but they bend in certain directions to survive.

A bright street lamp burns over dark still water, but what is the significance of the bright reflection of the lamp? You can touch the lamp and you can touch the water, but you cannot touch the reflection, so does it not exist? Beyond this binary day and night, why are dawn and dusk so "moving"?

Life that we perceive, is held by countless shades of the dusk and the dawn, till we simply name it as dusk or dawn. Our narration happens in day or night, passed or failed, we dump unceasing feelings in the compact dress of dictionary. Finding a word in vocabulary that describes how you have felt for the entire day is somewhat comforting, or to find out what word exactly is causing those unusual cramps in the stomach. Whereas these words only label, rather than convey any significance of feeling or the process, despite knowing detailed definitions, we don't really know anything.

We keep tagging and labelling ourselves every day in various aspects, life becomes a stock holding based on these markers. But somehow, we cannot pursue the greys in us, we must name every single shade and imprison it! We allow to be tagged by a binary label, and somehow, we believe on it, our insecurities push us to repeat these labels until we attach ourselves to them. In addition to fighting for labels, we fight ourselves internally with them. Like a stranger, we try so hard putting on a show to ourselves, we convince ourselves of the free-aid labels, repaying the endless loan with our life. As a clown on the street convinces the passersby that he is extremely cheerful, as if there is nobody else he would rather be or he rather is. And then we try to put everyone in the binaries, because we want contemporaries in insecurities. We want bird to climb the tree just like monkey, we strip the bird of its flying. We fixate their image in our heads and we vouch for it, and why won’t we do it, hell we couldn’t even spare ourselves!

As much as we try and keep trying for years after years to stick to the labels, or to change from one label to another, to hold on to a better label, keep trying to define and contain, keep imposing to solidify, ironically, we can never settle.

Breathing in and breathing out is the key to life, but every breathe is newborn, and it is this uncontainable undefined breath that keeps us alive until we put on a show. We are our most loyal audience, and we always know what all it could have been.

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  • varsha alimchandani

Independence? In-dependence? Being free of dependencies? Or being free from being dependable?

Freedom? Free-dom? Being free of any form of dominance? Or being free to dominate?

How does one achieve in-dependence or free-dom? What does one mean when they want to be independent or they need freedom?

Not having food to fill your stomach creates a dependency on food. Without someone to share thoughts with, doesn't one go crazy or depressed? Does that not create dependency on people?

If not dependency, then what really is love, need, or want?

Well-being and healthy state of mind is dependent on how many things?

Your parents being in good health? Your parents being alive? Your parents being happy and comfortable? Your pet being free of sickness? Your job or business performing well? You having stable income? Your electricity running? You being able to defecate? You being able to love your partner? Your skin being acne-free? One of your parents or your boss giving you an easy day to live your life? You being able to do something you love without being caught or scrutinized for? Your partner having a good day? You being able to achieve a little more of your current personal goals? You having an anxiety-free sleep? That one day where you accept yourself momentarily? your kids obeying you? When your favorite street vendor is still in business? When you don’t criticize yourself and feel good about yourself for once? When your stocks rise? When your hair looks good? When you can go for something without being controlled by your trauma?

An easier question would be: what is wellbeing and a healthy state of mind independent of?

A war at the border? Or some domestic fight at a neighbors' house? An animal being butchered for a vegan? A finance budget being announced for a group one is not part of? A car accident where whole family died? Laws established at neighboring country? The tide level of the sea? Someone dying due to lack of healthcare?

Are you spared from these? Or are you spared for thinking you're immune to these?

For all things to go perfectly fine, or moderately fine, or holding just enough for you to not have a breakdown; how fragile and dependent is your worth of life?

And how many people altogether are you independent of?

Whether to live away from close ones who threaten your independence and be constantly distracted by the feeling of missing out?

Or to live together with people who know you well, and keep that independence somewhere in your goals?

When you feel too much, or when you feel too little, which independence saves you from complete insanity?

To feel blessed that we outgrow everything? Or to keep suffering due to conditionings you cannot outgrow?

Whether to keep setting new small goals to rely on and complete them in order to feel independent, or to simply accept broader defeat?

To be reliant on refilling independence; or, rather, to fail to achieve those goals in order to let them keep beating your heart?

To run towards oneself or to walk alongside oneself? To control under being controlled? Or to be an instrument? To call oneself independent and being able to dominate one’s own life? To accept what life truly is? Or to merely have enough control to accept it as it is?

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